Click

It hit me like a sonic boom. First the percussion, and then the substance came roaring by. And it felt like pure freedom, or enlightenment. Such a huge moment of awareness, of understanding, and like these moments sometimes do it came so suddenly. The skies of my mind burst open and the angels began to sing!

So in my extreme pleasure and excitement, I shared my good news with three friends. One was quite possibly hoping I would catch on sooner rather than later, and the other two looked at me like I'd lost an important part of my brain function. Didn't matter, though - I was pumped up all day.

I still am, though maybe not quite as wide-eyed as I was this morning. I discovered that, within a very new friendship, I had been trying to coerce a particular kind of interaction. I began to think that because my new friend didn't seem interested in sharing anything but facts with me that there was no trust, no closeness developing. No deep feelings were being shared, no wounds needed soothing, no needs to be addressed. There was communication, but there was not much personal or emotional attention. I was beginning to wonder what was wrong - was it me? Was my friend being an ass? What the heck!

Shazam. What was I looking for, I asked myself. What do I want this person to do? KABOOM. I want them to NEED me. I want a job to do for them. I want a role to play. HOLY CRAP!! (sound of record being scratched by the needle) This person does not NEED me. This person does not NEED me. This person likes me because I'm ME - not because I'm cute, or smart, or capable, or deep, or talented, or because of anything I can do for them, but just because I'm ME. I do not cause this person to feel less lonely, or more worthwhile. He already knows he is worthwhile, he's not lonely!!! I don't have that responsibility!! It felt so strange I didn't realize how wonderful it was - I thought it was bad, but it's not only good but crucial for a pleasant relationship!! I don't meet the needs, he meets his needs and I help just because I am. That's all I have to do. Just be. I need to be me, for him and for me. It means nothing and it means everything.

I feel a thousand pounds lighter. Ahhh...