The rest of the story...

...is that this old friend, my first blog, has returned to me after a long absence.  I do not know why or how, but in all this time since the last posts I have been unable to access the heart of my happy place, my solace, my private portal to the big wide world.  I could read my old posts, but I could not log in to make new ones. 

At one point I created an entirely new blog.  It was a sham, a poor substitute for the marvelous room that was created within the time and space that was my life almost two years ago.  While that is almost beyond my comprehension (that time would move so far and yet leave so much intact), I reach back to those days and touch important memories, important people, important thoughts and discoveries.  There has been much healing since, but also a small amount of atrophy.  At the moment I am quite ready for the therapy that is required to build up those abandoned psychological muscles (we shall see how I feel about that tomorrow, and next week!).  Feelings of safety fool us into staying where it is safe, when all the while safety is only as protective as it is needed to be in a certain circumstance.  The more safety we crave, the less we have.  It is not meant to be a method of living - it is meant to be temporary, a shelter in stormy weather, a shield in battle.  A home is not shelter if it is too enclosed, a friendship is not safe if it is too restrictive either by your lack of awareness or mine.  No one in my life is holding me back but me, and many want to fly with me where I am headed!  They are brave, and they are happy to accompany me, as I am them!

Some of the important people will not return to share this happy place.  They are not uninvited - I would surely be unbearably happy if they returned.  Circumstances, personal interpretations, fear, and possibly death will keep them from me, and from this portal.  What was once a thrilling space affording the protection of indirectness and anonymity may not continue to hold the same element of danger, suspence, and surprise - but I hope so.  It was simply wonderful. 

I will spread my crackly fingers and type away - reaching back to days that were built on independence, personal growth, and sheltered exploration.  These present days are on that same foundation, and in strong walls are tiles and bricks of ease and smooth texture, but they are not meant for strength, they are meant for sustenance.  Good energy is gained from beauty, nutrition, and rest; that rest and feasting is preparation for building stuctures of support and substance, for growing.  Skillful builders move through the stages without demolition, and skillful builders most often learned how to do that the hard way.  I am excited to test my new skills - to see if I can build and grow without need for demolition.  What is standing now is priceless, breathtaking, a masterpiece.  I want to keep it and grow into it. 

Ah, pishaw.  There I went - off into the space where my heart chats up a storm.  If it doesn't make sense, just smile and wave, smile and wave...